be a survivor

Shoulders and elbows and vision all out
Sleepless nights, many of them in a row
Fear of touch
Tasteless food
Strength of heart
Belief in love
Courage in the dark
Respite with strangers
Acceptance of paperwork
Joy found in flowers
One pair of shoes, four shades of lipstick
Silence, wind, rain, solitude
Clamour, sun, grass, comrades
Anonymous ledgers
Library cards, coffee togo
Palsy
Quickness of breath

First One Then the Other

I am narrow with sleep
Eyes bind with grit
Limbs heavy
My novelist hero Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Joined the ranks of us who knew.

Knowing can be a hindrance
I know too much these days
My knowing jumps up and catches my throat
tightens my collar
I can't seem to shake free of it, knowing

Pillar of Salt

The one two of tonight's lullaby
Is me lingering
Over the pages of a book
As I wrap myself, a cocoon
Fresh sheets and open windows.

Anxiety has my breath hot
Fear cuts deeper than swords
One two I catch moments
Of womanhood

Walking streets long remembered
I follow lilac blossoms
Cracking unfolding
One two again another season whether or not
My eyes prise their splendor

Fall from Heaven

*This was a poem about a crow that dropped a stick at my feet
but my phone ate it and I just now, days later, noticed that the post was empty*

I filed my taxes, my fafsa, got state sponsored health insurance, have a plan for school.

Look, the peak ahead and the valley behind
I leave nest building to crows
and quietly make my way through anxiety
one list at a time

The crows continue their building and watch me as I watch them
I read three hundred pages a day
count raindrops
rebuild my collection of four leafed clovers
one at a time

Huge Losses

Somewhere between justice and mercy
is a conversation about forgiveness
and the power of compassion

Somewhere between win and lose
there is a child playing handball
the thump of the ball bouncing before smacking the wall
breaks the heat and solitude

Somewhere between black and white
there is a razor thin gray line
where polar bears swim and flamingos eat shrimp

No More Apologies

I've been taking a cold hard look
at brain development and the limbic system

I see the balls I've dropped from
a distance and a neural perspective

Five pies

It's my birthday. I ate a lot of pie. Last year was different, surrounded by people so happy to drink and eat together.

I am alone. I am dizzy from sugar. I am crashed up against a tsunami of tears. My brain is a blur, I want to vomit.

Behind the Bough

I hear them,
a twig or stick in their beak
to the high branch outside the window,
those crows caw,
as dawn lifts my eyes,
Bring a twig twice the length of your leg.