Heartache is Cheap

I am a wench.

Waking slowly from my exhaustive week, three new gigs, a wedding to plan, a guy that seems to think I am not terrible, the ongoing series of paintings in the shack of a barn I call my studio which have been saying not such nice things about my dedication to their development, I realize I've been overly concerned about meeting the needs of those around me.

Let's not forget the neighborhood. The neighborhood seems to think that I've been neglecting them, that I owe them a little more of myself.

It's not that I stopped caring, I care an awful lot. Unwilling to apologize for not meeting someone's fantasy version of me, I stopped trying. I cannot live that many versions of me. These days the goal rarefies: be kind; be honest; be yourself as frequently and fully as possible.

Star Fuck

Just a quick note because maybe there exists a person or two out there who wants to know I am still breathing

Most of the time, that's automatic, so yes and my heart beats too

I am a goddamn princess. You know that.

I earn $400 a month most of that going to pay for Starbright Firecracker Boom-Boom, coffee, cigarettes, beer in that order

I am not fancy, I have lost my mind

If there was a cage I would put myself there and let you poke me with sticks
and spit

which sounds mean

but I am suspicious of people who are kind, gentle

because we all know that's a front

at least I do

for now I'd like a cage, or a secret spot far far far from here

where I could let go and inhale the wind against the salt of our skin

I had no idea I needed to read this,

long winding roads in nebraska

long winding roads are scenic and worth the effort

Fire to Burn

Oh, music

I longed to forget the pleasure of bones in motion

I make-believe that my heart explodes imagination

Nightly, a technicolor panoply haunts my mind's eye; an avid explorer, I chart maps.

2 January

Cocaine Fistfight

After you dropped me off tonight
I can inside and brushed my teeth
to you. this is hopefully normal
but me right now, I want an award

then, I put on my pajammies
and hung my jacket on a hanger,
noticing that its neighbors collars were facing the wrong direction (opening left)
and knew, just knew, that while I've been away someone wore my tweed sport coat

Collars don't lie
But I used your eyeliner
That's why god made sisters
that and for that one night we decided to cocaine fistfight

I digress. Pants and panties (I notice the moist cotton and remember our kiss) come off; pedophile  pajamas, pulled on.

That's not supposed to mean I kiss my sisters, only that my add ocd brain links shit and I kinda stopped apologizing for transvergent peripheries even if that word doesn't exist

I want to love you even though I don't know you
I couldn't care less but I still hear you

and I don't give a damn
let's just be clear

but always the angles of the asymptote glean near
and it is all I can do but stand

human
against all odds
against all gods

for that chinks in the shell which allow shadows
without the moon we have no stars by which to navigate

I sniffed my panties
and brushed my teeth

01.01.13

Somewhere like home

I head north in a few minutes, Seattle bound (you know I am never hard to locate). Watching the sunset last night over Dry Creek Valley, I realize how home this place feels. All of it, the almost thirty horses, the checking freezing waters, the keeping the wood fire burning. I am against my skin, inhabiting the area between me and my thoughts, it's a decent place to stand.

After this first year time starts to make sense in the way where I know the starlings were a little late this year, we had more water come down than expected in december, the cranes are migrating, the grape harvest was gonzo.

I love you

The Coin with Two Faces

Remember how a week ago I fucked myself by betraying a friendship? Well, the funny thing is that the further I get from the situation, the more assurance I have that I didn't actually fuck myself hard enough. I should really sit and mediate a bit more about how to be more of a nuisance to everyone around me.

So I woke up at six and made coffee, started a load of laundry (lord is it raining!), packing for the trip to washington and oregon.

Funny how I don't know where to call home these days.

Though my distress in saying what needed to be said to the person who needed to hear it was real and tangible, I grow weary of eggshells and metaphors

The End of Now

As the world ends, I sit here and think about life. How have I lived, what it's been worth, this flash of an eye sack of flesh and bones.

How I'll miss cigarettes, chocolate, libraries, coffee, dry socks, pushing 102 down dry creek road.

The questions I have now seem a little irrelevant: did I love enough; did I love the right people; did I love myself in a way that demonstrates the capacity of demonstrative lifetime evolution for an accountable homo sapien?

I fear, yes

fuck you, I am sorry

I am sorry, fuck you

yes, I fear

Eating Pnuts in Bed

Funny how the same amount of time in one year is interminable and the next is a blink of an eye. The last four months have passed quickly. Summer falling into winter the dwindling daylight goes almost unaccounted for in book until it is now the almost the darkest day of the year.

Having done my brief penance for the crime of the heart I have been absolved of my action and life goes on. Funny how are there moments in a life when growth and development seem to wedge their way into a tight space and just burst open any remaining tendrils of the past.

This was about honesty and if you know me in real life, you most likely know that I've been terrified of saying things which are the hard truth. I am learning and oddly embrace the fact that life makes sure I have more than enough on my plate to keep my cracking the boundaries of my evolution.

I rigged up a studio in the old barn--I hear rumor of a wood stove being dropped off--there is a noisy bone crunching, marrow sucking creature out there.  It's good; I am alone, not lonely

eyes wide open, hearts fall down

I learn about trust these days
how quickly it can be broken
the failure in my lapse in judgement and my inability to understand consequence

All of that aside, the world may end
The trust I broke with one of my best friends
breaks my heart and the world may end
and everything was roses