A Minute, Like an Hour

I've been happily camping out alone in downtown Healdsburg since monday. And by camping I mean living in a moderately overly designed guest cottage with on-demand hot water and a programable skylight. By alone, I mean my mother showed up (typical!) on thursday evening because she has satsang weekend in Petaluma, which is about 45 minutes south of me, as we all know my mom wouldn't make a trip specifically for me mostly because I wouldn't invite her.

She asked if she could stay all weekend (just in the evenings, nights, and mornings as her days are occupied with satsang, so it wouldn't be all that much trouble for me.)

I said, No.

Because I like to walk around nude, or in short shorts and boots, smoking weed and trying on new lipsticks while dancing to Ella Fritzgerald. I like to go out for a quick cocktail at ten, just because I can. I like to sleep with the windows thrown open and listen to music in the morning as I ready myself for the day ahead.

Not against her, not really. Instead, the action was Pro-Chaya. I am cherishing moments alone, the solitude of the stars and the whisper of fresh sheets. It's been six years since I've had a house to myself and I am up for some overdue recalibration of how I operate when left to my own devices.

I have a plan to float me through summer and fall.

Nail Me Down

Things are not going as planned
I am losing a battle against myself
the things that I never thought to think
are being brought to the front of my mind

pried apart
and hung out to dry
in the hot california sun,
I bake myself brown.

And I take all that I can in one inhale
before I sip in
just a little more
laying back on my pillow I drift across dreams

And the screams in my head are all in my mind
and the times in my heart are all out of line
and the ring in my ears is the curse of my fears

Nail me down
I fear so little but love

Silent Across

I am not very nice these days and my ADD when it works, keeps me high functioning.

I've been sharing my room since the beginning of february and now finally four months later, I start to lose my nerve. I miss solitude and the quiet hour before dawn when I can sit alone with hot coffee and a blank screen ahead of me and craft out the rising dawn.

Finding that I have too much in my mouth to chew I begin spitting responsibilities onto the dirt. Especially the unchosen, unelected ones.

I was informed recently that I am too old to be such a bitch and that if I never ever have any intention of fucking a man, then I best tell him tout suite.

we've met b4

and I didn't like you the third time. so to hit, your fave bang peaced out-I've heard your gripes before and I don't give a shit. are you incredible? my bed time's long time forgotten and I am left with tips

ride like hell

I rode out late yesterday afternoon watching myself for over my right shoulder. dislocation or disembodiment for me is painful and reminiscent of a fractured youth. throttle open I started to think about choices.

I find that when i am purely responsive to life I lose focus and in my distraction begin to despair. I could have died today. I know that's true everyday but somedays more than others. swerving around the escalade making the illegal left my heart didn't skip a beat. my body is a map of my heart and my mind makes choices without my body's consent.

Misguided and Malcontent

Inside my head, I love you

My heart breaks on the stones of my mind

Hot points of steel against the valley of my hips

Map the trajectory of my ascent 

Against the odds to press against the sky

Sorrow's fractured shame

Hot nickel coats the back of my throat

No amount of remembering lets me forget

Something Like Heartbreak

I've taken to whiskey
and long-distance phone calls

Alone I am standing
against the wall

Waiting for someone to ask me to dance
the watermelon crawl

I Danced like the Devil

I had some unanswered questions about an affair I had last year. In my head I'd left it vaguely lovely, beautiful, a special bubble of him and me against the world.

I crushed that dream and now I know I will never go back. Not just to him, but to people who don't give a fuck, much less about me. No judgement, no opposition, just basic acknowledgment that somewhere along the line I became valuable.

I found my way to an old friend's apartment in the city and let myself in with the keys he gave me years ago. I undressed, pulled on pajamas and blankets, and fell asleep waiting for him to come home. He came in turned on the heater and tucked me in for the night. We talked a little but mostly we don't need words to clarify things.

I find love everywhere and nowhere. My heart is full; I am so broke; my birthday is moments away; I am free.

Hot to Trot

It happened— out of air and dust came a wedding with 56 adults and three kids from across the country to watch two friends do that thing. It wasn't horrible; I heard it was the best wedding most people have ever been to. It may have been the lights in the barn aisle, or the mandolin player, or the arbor; most likely it was the combination of sweat and tears that soaked the three weeks of planning that went into pulling off that event.

It was far from horrible.

So, then, why do I feel empty, hollow, vacant. More and more I know that I am cut from a cloth that doesn't match. The eclipsing wave of satisfaction has passed and whatever I forgot to remember I buried in two bottles of champagne while cleaning up the wreckage.

fade into me

I am on a real kick these days. February did its worst by throwing three new gigs at me; February wins, I spin.

One of my new jobs is wedding coordinator for two of my best friends. For the record, planning a wedding for 60 in three weeks is a monumental task, especially when I have never planned anything for anyone ever.

I am losing sleep and hair and gaining weight. None of those are good.

The balance of the equinox is almost upon us and I hope the cycle of renewed focus lends the gifts of clarity, vision, and humor to my life.

More than all of this external hubbub has been self-reflection. Seeing myself as a competent qualified adult is a hard won battle for me; I struggle continuously with ideas about relationships, morality, dedication, and the pursuit of happiness. I am alone, but not lonely.

From my youngest sister I feel the transformative power of unconditional love.