It's Never Good to Lose

That's what they say:
that it's never good to lose

but I grew up losing things
and not just competitions

but virginity
and personality

but I think losing is not such a terrible loss

Me Not Amused

And it rolls out like words across sand
and they burn down my throat as I keep my mouth shut

because I remember why I am here
because I know I've move across the perimeter
because I am happy there observing

rancor boils under me building magma seams readjusting
and all of this my shit that I don't deal with and the things I keep in quiet and tight and not spoken
there's a reason to be silent
and I know that

I am the silent type
even though I am engaged in a conversation my mind is somewhere else farther from here
and I listen to all of it so often that my ears sort of just stopped giving a fuck
and sometimes my lips do too
that's the problem with not keeping your mouth shut all of the time

I do that
open my mouth
when I don't have shit to say
thinking somehow what I've got suspended between thoughts
can be expressed in words
that if I can for once finally expose my soul completely to a stranger met off the back of a mirror

I will find myself seen and recognized and learn the meaning of my name
but instead it's not that
it is something else entirely and I can't have a word for it
because I still don't know the feint and perry
of word play
or the constructed social mechanisms within which I am obliged to operate
quietly perfecting my aim and hoping that someday the target appears

I try and fail and try and fail to try
yet still I try to learn within my being
the definition of my name the soul of the what the fuck who am I in this world
whose pants where these before I pulled them off the rack at the goodwill
and how is it possible I continue to accept all of this nothing and everything
at once and be fucking careful with fast machines, hot sharp objects, and love
be especially careful with that thing people call love
however overly pragmatic my certain disbelief in a personal ability to resonate with fear

I remain observant
the target is only the beginning of the shot
to see beyond to reaction and consequence

therein lies foresight and dependable action

Things I found today

I pulled over to *free-pee* and check my map (where in the fuck am I going (today) anyways?). Scattered around my feet were a half-dozen owl pellets. Thank you owl medicine. I would like to say thank you instinct for taking me up that particular road, thank you bladder for almost bursting, thank you miss Chaya for being the queen of the free-pee, you never know where you'll end up when you pull over and pull down your pants—

I also got a new checkered scarf that matches my riding suit, a pair of bitchin vintage sunglasses, some hankies, and few random necklaces for $9 at the Crane Mellon Barn barn sale. OH!!! and I almost forgot... a unicorn music box! I haven't had a music box since ages, not since I was a girl, a young girl, and it's not actually a unicorn...

Look closer—it is a Pegasus Unicorn which Ultimate Unicorn to the Max Turbo Extreme! it plays somewhere over the rainbow.

*

*.*.*

It's too late and I's awale

I don't even know what that means
but I like it;

so I'll let it stand

But harass you from the sidelines
because I remember that I told you
and I remember that you heard

my voice against the stars

*

Wait, It's not actually July yet

I thought that it was July
this morning when I woke up

the summer fog sitting heavily through the vineyard rows
all the way down to Dry Creek

But it's June

Which follows May
May, which I gave away on accident

July looks good
I am antsy-pantsy
about all sorts of things

like finding a good sleeping bag, tent, stove
how do I make coffee the best on the road

I am also in and out and up and down of antsy-pantsy
because of wanting

wanting that indefinable urge
to dissipate so I can settle into my bones

Maybe that's July
but I'm still in June and after giving May away, I took June to my head

When dirt is part of your skin

it can be hard to get clean
I don't even know
not really and not for sure
if I want to

So I shower and smile through my teeth
and eyes glint in the light
surmising that maybe once we stumbled together
against dawn

more likely
the wind held me up
and danced my skirt up to my thighs
fingers of dawn opening my legs

daybreak

Things I Never Say

Disordered eating is a way of being for me and has been for more than half my life. I did okay, ate regular meals, at least dinner, when I was in a LTR but these days fending for myself in the world I find a diet consisting of redbull, salad, and coffee. Then I go nuts and eat a billion calories in one sitting because I am fucking starving and then my tummy hurts and I feel wretched on so many levels.

These days my weight shifts around 110 lbs and I as long as I stay close to that I am okay. It is like the rules of three. I am good with three days: today, tomorrow, yesterday; three months: this month, next month, last month. Anything too far beyond that and I start to lose focus on what's possible, what really happened, and besides it doesn't matter anyways. Back to my tummy, my mind, my ass in pants. All of those are happy at +/-3 of 110. Anymore and things get tight any less and I have no ass. I like having an ass.

More and deeper I had my first bites of a turkey sandwich. It was tasty. I think I need more protein, serious animal carnivore protein in my life. It makes my tummy say, oh I ate. I like that.

This is not about hating my body or wanting to be so thin I die. I've been there, I know what that feels like. This is about a lifelong struggle around food, nutrition, control, independence. But, I find that the control makes me nuts, nutrition makes my mind spin, and independence leads me down the dark road of temptation.

I feel healthy right now, in this moment. Awake, healthy, alive. I had painful violent dreams, that was the turkey walking over my heart while I slept. I am sorry you were delicious on bread with cheese and mayonnaise.

wide gravel eyes

I am tired to the bone core of the bone the inside bits of the bone that move blood all around
and help you grow and breathe
I am tired to there

Friends, old, old friends
who knew me when
I was more myself but a little less like me
are a reminder that the trees sing to the stars
without mouths or ears or eyes

to touch or dance
close into the moments that collapse on top of one another
drowning in oxygen debt
arms push pulling me

and my eyes have gravel in the lids
and my skin moves over my bones
a little loose with a little extra room
at the elbows and knees

Makes me Itch

Against my skin I woke up sideways twisted around my sheets, Sampson tossed to the floor like yesterday's cheese. I slept like shit, it was the ice cream and brownies I ate at quarter to eleven. I ate them because my uterus said, "Fuck Your Cunt Whore!"after I had a new IUD inserted into my lady bits. You gots to pay to play you know? Nothing in life is free. Except not having a kid to tote around on my hip for the next five damn years, that's some sort of freedom.

The lady doc took such good care of me. The whole clinic really. They gave me a hot water bottle, an electric heating pad, and a recliner to doze off into wonderland. It's my second IUD; this time my colon didn't have an immediate and aggressive flight response, so that was nice and a lot less stinky.

I've been considering sterilization! Horray for people who are so generous with their belief in the future of the planet that they decide the nicest, greenest, most humanistic thing they can do is not to produce offspring. I am a big fan of the childless by choice movement. I am a bigger fan of people without kids demanding basic human rights for the entire world.

Chanting in the streets, "I won't have no baby at my titty till you free Peltier!" and "Fluoride free water is a right!" and "Give me a sandwich or give me a gun!" this throng of women without babies, this hoard of ho's without bro's is going to take it to the man because without babies there is no future and I don't mean to be a cow, but right now I'm not totally stoked on the war, poverty, financial crime, lack of legal drugs that are fun, prison system, foster care for kids whose parents are in jail for taking fun drugs and not having enough education and being a color other than white. I want everyone to have a god damn sandwich. If we put the brakes on babies, have a platform, get enough support and internet attention, maybe something could happen.

So thank you Lady Doctor! for keeping me child-free for another six years. Thank you for keeping my who-ha in proper working order and it is worth the night of poor sleep to know that I am keeping up my end of the bargain. Between no babies, being an organ and blood donor, and trying to recycle I am going straight to heaven no questions asked. Word.

Neo-Post Traditionalist

I don't even know what that means besides have your adventure socks and a sleeping bag packed because you never know if you're going to need an emergency blanket, a headlamp, or a snack—wise to have all of that with you before you head to edge of sunset.

I asked a dude out. He has a special lady friend. Now I am off the hook for sex and on fire for friends, that kind of rules in my world as I realize I am a less than ideal partner for anyone, especially if they're local. As they say, don't shit in your pool.

Proud more for the fact that I realized all of the sudden that if there is interest, spark, attraction act on that. Finding community here and not fucking my way into it, what a concept.

I also believe always that the solstice is on the 21st. That is what this is really all about. Forever and always 21st