Lions, Tigers, and Bears: silver linings are not always easy to find

911 is not always enough

Today has been rough. I found out that my motorcycle is officially totaled. More information to follow on how the insurance is going to handle all of that. Most likely I just walk away even.

Thank you bear.

Sometimes walking away even is all we can aspire to.

Thank you Tiger

***

Awhile back I had a fair amount of my identity tied up in that bike. Not so much now, but it sure was nice knowing that I could leave, go out for a ride, chase a little sunset whenever the fancy struck me. I also feel like I didn't have a final goodbye, a final ride, any of that.

I was upset so I went for a long run. One third of the way through I fell and twisted the shit out of my left ankle. I lay on the ground staring at the sun for a moment. I stood shaky but stable; I have a fairly normal level of pain tolerance so I knew nothing to serious had happened. I continued. I started to cry, why the fuck today.

I am vulnerable and realize how alone I am, become thankful for my ability to see clearly, continue my run another five miles.

I never said anything about common sense.

***

In the past these are moments when I would heat metal to molten and press it into a sensitive area on my body. I can still remember the sound of skin pulling back from the edge of a horseshoe nail, the blister, a scar that never bleeds.

Today, I run, I fall, I scrape my leg and twist my ankle. The damage is somehow par for the co
urse for an athlete, yet the damage is most likely more lasting, permanent, likely to bother me in the future. Yet, you tell people you ate shit running and you get a high five. You tell people you have and attraction to pain and they give you concerned looks and comment on your mental instability.

Yet, I run and run and feel more alive. Perhaps this is the divide between good and evil. In failing to recognize self-inflicted harm as anything expect a strong urge to live is a mistake.