Light returns, Life Blows On

The The winter holiday pulls into its final days. I am long against shadows, full of sleep and caffeine. It's almost time for me to roll out of bed and into some jeans, a sweater, boots. It's blue and freezing outside.

I am wondering about eyebrows and lipstick, debating buying a table saw, considering the benefits of an air compressor. Recently I have found a single pair of arms unequal to none. I feel safe and not spun out.

There is this part of me that doesn't know if I should avoid going into the past, if I should avoid going into the future. I stay really close to today, while grasping the implications of both. 

Trigger alerts are useless. Life is full of surprise and unexpected events. Each day is full, is empty, is a dull series of forgettable events, is a mouth whispering shivers across my spine.

****

The thing about the ex is that I understand more now how all of that went down. I get how making choices for myself just became overwhelming, how I was spinning out and for a moment his hand was a stable point. I remember his words about what a real woman is, how women cannot be trusted, how violence was his perpetual shadow; and I know: I learned from him; he was a teacher for me.  I may not have wanted the lessons but now I know. 

When we are changed in ways that we never asked to be changed it takes time to accept the new pieces of our selves. 

To all of the beautiful shadows,

CSL <3ingly