velcro

Fragile little wings of life
Unison, unison, we beat in unison--

Officially I am a failure. I am incapable of attending a damned community college. Ham sandwiches all around, with weak coffee to wash down their concrete system. Ahh, well, September.

It is now time for me to refigure my life, goals, dreams; retire my downfall. I don't know how I'm supposed to get through this with any grace. Sick of dreams and my failure, these tears are pathetic. I need a break! Curses, my skin is crawling! My heart twists and my stomach wants to disgorge itself. It just doesn't stop, this awkward life. I'll take it; my dimensional perspective of existence: is this life?

Time to incorporate my heart with my mind, I tell myself firmly, today's the day. But it's not, wait until tomorrow. That's the minuteman's lie I have been believing for years. Life is finite. F*ck, I know this bodily existence can hurt. Happiness is not one of those purchases that comes with easy-read instructions. I am not certain if it even comes in a box.

When I focus in, deep and to my core, I have joy. Why then am I afraid of reaching for it? Am I become a coward? No, happiness takes fearless courage. My college doesn't offer a course in finding the courage to be happy. I don't need one. I need honesty and support. My first step is into the unknown. So is the next and the next.

That which holds me apart from my true nature is the unknown. The unknown is both a place of possibility and of chaos. It's dichotomy is confounding. How can something be both infinite and exact? Being vunerable and not knowing what comes next is code for existance in the plane of human experience.

Looking honestly at my life, I tend only to see the first layer. The day to day existence and routine. I see my mistakes and resentments. Those few activities take most of my concentration. Concentration equals energy. I use my limited energy doing things which do not bring happiness. Knowing this why do I continue to do them? The status quo and the reality that I am not getting any younger. The pressure to perform in society and to be part of a machine. The fear that if I don't do this a vacuum will come along and suck me into outer space.

I can affirm that I am having a difficult time. Realistically, all of the signals are the universal mind telling me to stop. I am removing the layers and am preparing to go in deep. Here is the first step into the unknown, bringing me one pace closer to joy. Wish me luck and love, I will send greatings from the other side.