Thintopia

I was caught by surprise when I was reminded about eating disorders. Specifically mine. Twice today; twice in one day. (I said no to ice cream.)

It all started with Ding-Dongs. I was at a meeting, and, someone, for some ungodly reason, brought a dozen Ding-Dongs. As tempting as the highly hydrogenated snack sounded, I was able to decline. Years ago, I loved the chocolate confection as it tasted as good coming up as it did going down.

According to the New York Times, there are support groups for people who think that the government is stocking them in red and white sedans. Those groups have resources and support networks which can be found online. They are like the pro-ana sites, which are also full of resources, tips, and support.

I caved and googled "thinspiration."

My inspiration is in not ever being that sick ever again, in not having to portion out an apple into my alloted daily serving of four meals of two slices each, of not having to throw food away, of not having to brush my teeth seven times between morning and night.

Skipping meals, wrestling nausea and vertigo, being acute.

The Surprise

There are always surprises. And, there is routine like what I'm going to wear tomorrow (something amazing and not too stained). The surprise is when isolation creeps in and finds me in the strangest circumstances. How did I end up here, doing this? Even more surprising is that I suddenly care that I am friends, even just on facebook, with exactly one person that I have known since my early years.

Most people I grew up with seem to have this overflowing fondness for our hometown and have this sort of comrade-in-arms kinship that I don't understand. I can't stand the place. I am starting to question my lack of shared joy. Was there something I missed, did my memory somehow fail me, did I suffer some unknown accident which has left me paralyzed to Ashland's merits?

I am starting to wonder.

I am also going back for Thanksgiving. It will be my first time there in almost three years and at this point it is starting to seem like I have been avoiding the place. So if you find yourself in Southern Oregon over the shopping holiday and would like to get a drink, you know where to find me.

Breakfast for Breakfast

Overrun by my need to follow the nonsense that is the US political system, I have to admit that I am really nervous. More nervous than I was on prom night, but that was a bust. (He was 23, tall, dark, and hansom; when I dropped him off after the dance and he asked if I wanted to come in, I said, Why?)

I woke up at a hair past five this morning, what an ungodly hour. I couldn't fall back to sleep. I came downstairs to see if there was any news on the election front. There was not. There was relatively little news about anything else though either. I have begun to suspect that this whole 22 months of endless campaigning has got me so focused on a single event, that I have neglected my world view. With fairly narrowed vision, I proceed to take the goggles off. What! there is more to the world than our election! the dollar has made gains against the euro (I wish I was in Spain), Evo Morales has ousted US diplomats from Bolivia, Really?

It's good to be back in the world.

Control Quality

My hands are really dry. The nail beds are chapped and small shreds of skin are peeling down toward my knuckles (that word is more than a little tricky to spell). There is little moisture left in them. I woke up yesterday and felt a familiar tightness in the joints of my fingers: It must be raining, I thought.

There are people who take really good care of themselves. They come into my work and I can smell their Shea butter body lotion and creme rinse conditioner above the smell of coffee and frying eggs. They glow and smile and drink plenty of water.I chew ice and sleep on my stomach, leading to terrible aches and pains through out the day. I know it's bad, but habits are formative and hard to kick.

There are other people who sit at booths and reek of unwashed clothes and bodies. I breath before I take their tofu to them, setting down their plates as quickly as possible.

I like to think that I am somewhere in the middle, not a fanatical moisturizer but also a regular bather. I brush my teeth and use fancy face cream twice daily. I don't carry a tube of compressed vitamin lotion in my purse, nor do I always carry a purse. Since I am at home and my hands are so dry, I think I am going to go upstairs and take care of my digits and maybe, change my socks while I'm at it.