I've learned

words have meaning
behind the slim disguise of a veiled, fuck you
is a real true fuck you

I had to go back through all texts from my ex to understand how mean people can be when they're hurting. it may be that I was a robe, a mantle, worn or discarded, to cover the wound. the hurt was there without me. I was topical.

I am words to: asshole; piece of shit. I said those things, nimbly arching my vicious claws when I ran out of corners or stumbled on exhaustion.

words said in defense can be reknit into an attack. a no sum loss door of falling;  a game of perpetually shifting rules and a lot of changed locks. I was not the key.

I know, now, that love, empathy, compassion are not words or even actions: they are a state of being. love is greater than and drives out fear; anger drives out love.

love and anger do not coexist.

my body is riddled with scars that I laid down. those are mine, those  victories of survival speak of times when I ran out of words but had faith that my place in this universe was precious.

from chaya lovingly

I cry through Disney

watching maleficent I was struck by a few key elements

wing stealing is akin to rape
the boys willingness to trade wings for a kingdom and a crown is a painfully familiar dialog
the buy kings rage directed at his now crippled victim, his surprise at her survival, his ultimate hatred are indicative of the cultural male perspective
losing that which is precious can be impetus for change; not all change is as welcome as other change
we write curses only we can break

I believe in true love's kiss

More than Doing

Sometimes saying no is much more like saying yes

In a world of endless possibilities making a single choice can seem like the elimination of all others. It is also incredibly refreshing to notice the natural way in which the universe works. Make one choice and opposition naturally ensues.

Research, temerity, possibility, awareness.

I move in circles like those I would never suspect, but I most naturally could design. I look forward into my past.

I have been meditating on the presence of multiple and equal truths.

The Continuum of Placement

Again, thank you for teaching me what I never wanted
I know that Jesus is more than a swear word

I fight the beast of my mind
my body so hungry
is stronger than my mind

no no no

to yes

Now, now about the Sharks

there is much to learn, many perspectives to learn to value. I am daily discovering myself, testing my core values, engaging with what I hope is the highest version of myself. in this meditation of life, when I fall from my integrity and become narrow with pride I have to evaluate, dedicate my nature, and decide to be patient knowing that answers may come.

Tick-Tock

My Capstone

Amazing beautiful creative darling engineers fabulous grand heist

In other news, I saw a friend yesterday whom I haven't seen since October. We've been friends since we were teenagers. He is kind, gentle, loving and perfect. I fight tears when I am with someone who has known me long enough to see inside my walls. It is the perfection of not having to hide who I am or what I've been through. It is the relief of being able to be vulnerable that allows my heart to expand for a moment.

I am considering school in California, New York, Oregon, Washington. I am also considering riding my motorcycle from here to infinity.

The city turns me cold, hard, fastidious. I forget the sound and smell of the stars. I find a middle path that is carved out of asphalt, wind, pigeons. I long for touch, the kiss of wind, a mouth of salty lips pressed to my breast.

Time is one two and the moments in between where we drink the length of our bodies pressed close against the rising dawn.

Alone but not lonely, I love you.

Cooked into a Pie

A few days back I was frumpy and  popless, I felt dour.

A well seasoned spendthrift, I have a built in mechanism that says buy nothing, less, five dollars is the maximum.

But I was frumpy and went shopping with a friend to remedy my internal doilie. There were boots. Frye boots, new, in my size, in my color. My friend encouraged me, "do it," they said, "there is no easy way to say this, but those are crazy hot." I bought them and wore them out the door.

At work that evening I was no a nonsense all business package of tart cherries and smooth bitter chocolate.

I've had symbolic boots before. Welcome home.

I Cooked Twice

This week I cooked for myself, twice
ate food I made with my hands

I am falling in love with my heart
it beats gently in my throat

Let down the guardrail

****

I am a mid-tone insomniac and have a moderate eating disorder. I like to be good. Good on the inside, good to those around me, good to myself.

My tummy is full of ice cream and tacos.

My mind is full of marathon distances, love, and living abroad.

*.*.*

I trust only you

If we're related

You've had two out of my last three phone numbers

Otherwise, I owe you nothing

Likewise, you are my own personal *

modicum

save me from it
or throw me to the waves

the hard-drive in the room I sleep has been "on" for the last three nights
I do not sleep

However, I do remember my dreams.

I am coming

bottoms up, top out

*super excitement*
0. Today this broke blog 50K views

In keeping with the theme
starting now
working backwards into yesterday

1. I danced to half a song, drank one beer, sneaked out the door without a single goodbye or smoking a cigarette
2. Three people expressed deep and sincere gratitude to me at work today: Here's being a beacon of adorable.
3. I got a text that made me blush.
4. I saw, for two minutes, a friend whom I wanted to tell about #3 only it hadn't happened yet so I couldn't.
5. I bought nothing shopping
6. Sunshine and vitamin D
7. Friends are worth their dirty socks
8.  I hate crying in public
9. I hate crying on the bus

Oh and I almost forgot another valuable lesson but then I remembered it: we all deserve love, but that doesn't mean that I have to fuck you, or even love you, but we still all deserve love.

Thank you all for keeping me here and reminding me to go bed happy

I love your guts.

Right This

From far away there are familiar noises, laughter and trucks idling.

This week has so many ups I wonder why the downs let me fall hard. In speaking to a friend, he said hormones. I have never been more grateful to hear those words in my entire life. Not maniac, only flooded with emotions. Relief.

The ups are extensive. I quit a job, found a cheap apartment, have a plan for star bright firecracker boomboom's relocation, started training for an iron man, met three creative, attractive men, saw X men with a favorite, made soup, read a bunch, and am considering nyc as a viable life choice.

The bad: I am not a Washington resident, yet; I am unable to join the national guard.

Reaching Out

To those of you who have reached out to me in the last few days, thank you.

I feel better today.

It's been a week, a month, really it's been a year.

I lost something about this time last year, that was sight of myself. I allowed myself to believe another person's version of myself was stronger than my own.

The crazy part is that if I could rewind the whole thing, I would go back to the farm, finish one more year, and move on. That's what I should have done. When I was in the midst of the turmoil there, I allowed someone from the outside to make judgments about what was happening on the inside. Yes, I needed a break, yes we needed to shift somethings. That was happening.

I lost more than my vision, I lost faith.

Rebuilding from the basement up is hard and there are days and weeks when I really hate myself. It's true there I said it. That's not a new thing. That's always been there. At the farm we dealt with that, at the best of times, together. Because we understood that we were all fragile in our strength, artistic in our temperaments.

I build and am angry for letting someone into my head that had no business there.

Everyone who knew me said he was bad news, that they didn't trust him, that they didn't like who I was when I was with him. I chose not to listen to them.

For the record, he is not a bad guy.

Wait, actually, he is.

Because the thing about power and control is that power over is never on par with power with.

I learned that working with stallions. When you dominate an animal they may do what you want, but you lose their heart. When you build on trust the prospect of anything is latent.

Power over versus power with.

I will not succumb

Thoughts in my head
Burn in my throat
I am angry
It feels

I want to smash my head or my fist against something hard, unyielding.

Recollect

Poise

I bike forty and run two. One of those numbers is minutes the other miles. Sweat pours off me I am grateful because it masks my tears.

Fuck

Poise,

Elegance, demeanor

I am training

Motivation, Success, Hot Coffee

Not motivated today I have a big long list and I just want to keep cozy and avoid the future a few more days.

I am off to meet with an adviser at one of the community colleges, quit a job, find a new job, make long term financial, academic, fitness and nutrition plans.

I am having a temper tantrum inside. I want someone else to do all of that for me. I want someone to say, girl this is exactly what you should do, go, be. I am recognizing that I hate making decisions, especially big ones that have long term implications. This s exactly how I ended up in this position. I make hasty decisions once I've painted myself into a corner. Avoiding that puts a lot of history on the table.

The sense of accomplishment compared with the internal struggle of taking the first step are the golden coins in the balance of justice.