Wait, It's not actually July yet

I thought that it was July
this morning when I woke up

the summer fog sitting heavily through the vineyard rows
all the way down to Dry Creek

But it's June

Which follows May
May, which I gave away on accident

July looks good
I am antsy-pantsy
about all sorts of things

like finding a good sleeping bag, tent, stove
how do I make coffee the best on the road

I am also in and out and up and down of antsy-pantsy
because of wanting

wanting that indefinable urge
to dissipate so I can settle into my bones

Maybe that's July
but I'm still in June and after giving May away, I took June to my head

When dirt is part of your skin

it can be hard to get clean
I don't even know
not really and not for sure
if I want to

So I shower and smile through my teeth
and eyes glint in the light
surmising that maybe once we stumbled together
against dawn

more likely
the wind held me up
and danced my skirt up to my thighs
fingers of dawn opening my legs

daybreak

Things I Never Say

Disordered eating is a way of being for me and has been for more than half my life. I did okay, ate regular meals, at least dinner, when I was in a LTR but these days fending for myself in the world I find a diet consisting of redbull, salad, and coffee. Then I go nuts and eat a billion calories in one sitting because I am fucking starving and then my tummy hurts and I feel wretched on so many levels.

These days my weight shifts around 110 lbs and I as long as I stay close to that I am okay. It is like the rules of three. I am good with three days: today, tomorrow, yesterday; three months: this month, next month, last month. Anything too far beyond that and I start to lose focus on what's possible, what really happened, and besides it doesn't matter anyways. Back to my tummy, my mind, my ass in pants. All of those are happy at +/-3 of 110. Anymore and things get tight any less and I have no ass. I like having an ass.

More and deeper I had my first bites of a turkey sandwich. It was tasty. I think I need more protein, serious animal carnivore protein in my life. It makes my tummy say, oh I ate. I like that.

This is not about hating my body or wanting to be so thin I die. I've been there, I know what that feels like. This is about a lifelong struggle around food, nutrition, control, independence. But, I find that the control makes me nuts, nutrition makes my mind spin, and independence leads me down the dark road of temptation.

I feel healthy right now, in this moment. Awake, healthy, alive. I had painful violent dreams, that was the turkey walking over my heart while I slept. I am sorry you were delicious on bread with cheese and mayonnaise.

wide gravel eyes

I am tired to the bone core of the bone the inside bits of the bone that move blood all around
and help you grow and breathe
I am tired to there

Friends, old, old friends
who knew me when
I was more myself but a little less like me
are a reminder that the trees sing to the stars
without mouths or ears or eyes

to touch or dance
close into the moments that collapse on top of one another
drowning in oxygen debt
arms push pulling me

and my eyes have gravel in the lids
and my skin moves over my bones
a little loose with a little extra room
at the elbows and knees

Makes me Itch

Against my skin I woke up sideways twisted around my sheets, Sampson tossed to the floor like yesterday's cheese. I slept like shit, it was the ice cream and brownies I ate at quarter to eleven. I ate them because my uterus said, "Fuck Your Cunt Whore!"after I had a new IUD inserted into my lady bits. You gots to pay to play you know? Nothing in life is free. Except not having a kid to tote around on my hip for the next five damn years, that's some sort of freedom.

The lady doc took such good care of me. The whole clinic really. They gave me a hot water bottle, an electric heating pad, and a recliner to doze off into wonderland. It's my second IUD; this time my colon didn't have an immediate and aggressive flight response, so that was nice and a lot less stinky.

I've been considering sterilization! Horray for people who are so generous with their belief in the future of the planet that they decide the nicest, greenest, most humanistic thing they can do is not to produce offspring. I am a big fan of the childless by choice movement. I am a bigger fan of people without kids demanding basic human rights for the entire world.

Chanting in the streets, "I won't have no baby at my titty till you free Peltier!" and "Fluoride free water is a right!" and "Give me a sandwich or give me a gun!" this throng of women without babies, this hoard of ho's without bro's is going to take it to the man because without babies there is no future and I don't mean to be a cow, but right now I'm not totally stoked on the war, poverty, financial crime, lack of legal drugs that are fun, prison system, foster care for kids whose parents are in jail for taking fun drugs and not having enough education and being a color other than white. I want everyone to have a god damn sandwich. If we put the brakes on babies, have a platform, get enough support and internet attention, maybe something could happen.

So thank you Lady Doctor! for keeping me child-free for another six years. Thank you for keeping my who-ha in proper working order and it is worth the night of poor sleep to know that I am keeping up my end of the bargain. Between no babies, being an organ and blood donor, and trying to recycle I am going straight to heaven no questions asked. Word.

Neo-Post Traditionalist

I don't even know what that means besides have your adventure socks and a sleeping bag packed because you never know if you're going to need an emergency blanket, a headlamp, or a snack—wise to have all of that with you before you head to edge of sunset.

I asked a dude out. He has a special lady friend. Now I am off the hook for sex and on fire for friends, that kind of rules in my world as I realize I am a less than ideal partner for anyone, especially if they're local. As they say, don't shit in your pool.

Proud more for the fact that I realized all of the sudden that if there is interest, spark, attraction act on that. Finding community here and not fucking my way into it, what a concept.

I also believe always that the solstice is on the 21st. That is what this is really all about. Forever and always 21st 

Second Coming

Do it, twice

Internet had a sickness for days and I was starting to think that it would never return. What a blessing; what a curse.

I can't say that much changes for me, not really really really changes
yet I learn about the scope of my peripheries and watching them expand to contact

and then contract down, laced down tight, corset tight, laced up the back leaving red lines and a twenty inch waist tight, with no room to breath I dance into the light before forgotten and tossed like a tissue

onto the floor with a number scrawled
in something red
kicked into ball of lace
and waist

shake it up and shake it off
this one is to remember, this one is for may, this one is for my mother
as the nail hot as anything
hot as red hot scrawled numbers on napkins and twenty inch waists
presses into the soft tissue right above my hip

and I am only mad that I forgot my soldering iron
and that the stove's electric
and that the ups and the downs
pivot and spin around the spine of my heart

shining bright against the night
bright against the eye
open white hot heat of my heart
pumps iron and blood and legs along the road
and I know

I am the star
pressed to the sky reflected off the eye of a lover
and back across time space distance all of this
gone tomorrow

here today
just like the internet in the sticks

tell me who you are

Space Ship Pocket Star

Crashed and burned
the charred remains of that nostalgic trip not even worth poking with a stick—

I made a pie chart of pros and cons of my life. The pros outweigh the cons by a standard american mile. Yet, I still have the itch of not quite right in my bones.

Drink coffee, slept like shit
as I tossed and tumbled across my sweaty sheets for six hours before showering and finding myself here at the keyboard

I had strawberry ice cream with a ripe banana and slivered almonds for dinner
I saw a man that should know by now I will never want to fuck him
but he's a smart enough man to know that I am a nice enough girl
who hates to say no, so he keeps calling

I push out against the sky, I breath against my skin
and this dome overhead holds me to my body and I am grateful for the wind in my face
and the smell of the road as the day bakes the concrete and the jasmine, roses, bay all blend together into a hot mash of floral gasoline and the reverberations of my mind settle into the drone

of wheels on pavement
and bugs on face-shields
hot air and solitude blend together
mix with the wind

I am alright
with all of that
and those choices I made
before I learned how to say no

I learned them now
and I am pretty okay with
who I am in life
flesh against bone against hot road

and breathing alive, I can do all of this
living
I want all of this
living

ice cream and motorcycles and roses and lovers and lost moments
found in pockets of memories
stowed away like marbles
in jars full of prizes

I've got the quarter machine blues

Long winding roads make me hungry

for taco bell
and sleeping with my back against a tree

I took the long way home and three hours later, cold, hungry, and short on red bull I ate some burritos and tried to smoke and make sense of the previous twenty-four hours while I slept with my back against the trunk of a tree.

The nagging and unrelenting feeling that people invite me around only to have a nice good laugh about it later remains a constant sensation that I feel the third right rib. I am sure someday someone will rename that bone.

Then in and out of pretense. I am satisfied with who I am in life. I've got it made, just not yet on paper. I have a tendency to hate on people who are my age and pretty.

I have issues with intimacy, personal space, trust, reliance, respect, attachment, boundaries, social engagement and dynamics, power, sex, money, motivation, and god: would you like to grab coffee and talk about baseball?

This is what I've learned this week: never get separated from star-bright: your ability to leave is your ability to be cool in your socks; travel with a sleeping bag, sunscreen, snacks, water, and headlamp; I am not super much into house music.

The balance of dignity and truth and being cool. I'll take my wheels and a red bull over being cool.

run fast, fall hard, get up, repeat

The walls keep coming

and I am creative in dissolving barriers

but a break in the seam

a crack in the night

would help

money is not the issue

freedom is

****

freedom can fuck you

impulsive distracted will-o-wisp 

of a girl 

chasing light and shadow

hearts opening against their better judgement

"what attracts you most," mouth against ear

pain, I say to the ceiling