Disordered eating is a way of being for me and has been for more than half my life. I did okay, ate regular meals, at least dinner, when I was in a LTR but these days fending for myself in the world I find a diet consisting of redbull, salad, and coffee. Then I go nuts and eat a billion calories in one sitting because I am fucking starving and then my tummy hurts and I feel wretched on so many levels.
These days my weight shifts around 110 lbs and I as long as I stay close to that I am okay. It is like the rules of three. I am good with three days: today, tomorrow, yesterday; three months: this month, next month, last month. Anything too far beyond that and I start to lose focus on what's possible, what really happened, and besides it doesn't matter anyways. Back to my tummy, my mind, my ass in pants. All of those are happy at +/-3 of 110. Anymore and things get tight any less and I have no ass. I like having an ass.
More and deeper I had my first bites of a turkey sandwich. It was tasty. I think I need more protein, serious animal carnivore protein in my life. It makes my tummy say, oh I ate. I like that.
This is not about hating my body or wanting to be so thin I die. I've been there, I know what that feels like. This is about a lifelong struggle around food, nutrition, control, independence. But, I find that the control makes me nuts, nutrition makes my mind spin, and independence leads me down the dark road of temptation.
I feel healthy right now, in this moment. Awake, healthy, alive. I had painful violent dreams, that was the turkey walking over my heart while I slept. I am sorry you were delicious on bread with cheese and mayonnaise.
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