Reaching Out

To those of you who have reached out to me in the last few days, thank you.

I feel better today.

It's been a week, a month, really it's been a year.

I lost something about this time last year, that was sight of myself. I allowed myself to believe another person's version of myself was stronger than my own.

The crazy part is that if I could rewind the whole thing, I would go back to the farm, finish one more year, and move on. That's what I should have done. When I was in the midst of the turmoil there, I allowed someone from the outside to make judgments about what was happening on the inside. Yes, I needed a break, yes we needed to shift somethings. That was happening.

I lost more than my vision, I lost faith.

Rebuilding from the basement up is hard and there are days and weeks when I really hate myself. It's true there I said it. That's not a new thing. That's always been there. At the farm we dealt with that, at the best of times, together. Because we understood that we were all fragile in our strength, artistic in our temperaments.

I build and am angry for letting someone into my head that had no business there.

Everyone who knew me said he was bad news, that they didn't trust him, that they didn't like who I was when I was with him. I chose not to listen to them.

For the record, he is not a bad guy.

Wait, actually, he is.

Because the thing about power and control is that power over is never on par with power with.

I learned that working with stallions. When you dominate an animal they may do what you want, but you lose their heart. When you build on trust the prospect of anything is latent.

Power over versus power with.