Easy to Forget

How a year ago I lived in a big town in oregon and was busy losing jobs and shoveling eggs into people's throats, until I lost that job and did nothing but bum around feeding my horse babyruths and praying.

It's not that it has been simple or easy to let go of everything I've ever known just to step out and decide one day that living my life for the care and comfort of those around me lost flavor. Succor I believe is the word, but I am far away from my dictionary and no one else is awake and I don't feel like moving for anything beside more coffee.

Now here I am. Single for the first time ever, learning how to answer to myself, to take responsibility for my actions, words, deeds, responses. Mostly sober for personal reasons, I can assure you that has never happened. Any historic sobriety was forced upon me by my natural inclination to do what those around me did.

But in this here and I now, I do what I want. And I get lonely, tired, hungry, exhausted; my body aches from sore muscles, pulled ribs, not enough food, water, sleep; I go out far across the horizon in search of new smells, thicker air, mottled light; I sleep against trees and eat what I can find, borrow, steal.

Long very short: I chose this life. Broken fingernails, hay between my freshly laundered sheets, the ups and downs in living in a dormitory, all of it. I wanted all of this, it is so easy to forget how much I want because of how much I have.