Fall like Buckets

After work last night I went dancing. It was an incredible amount of fun, it was also very hot so I stepped outside. An incredibly beautiful rastaman and I took a walk, smoking the tail-end of a joint.

Beautiful stranger who does not know me, I, a beautiful stranger as well, and do not want to bring you home after having known you twenty minutes.

Walking along the tracks I panic... I know how this situation can end. Why does everything always have to end with physical pressure.

I use words I don't want to make out with you

Walking back to the club to deposit the beautiful stranger where I met him, I say that I have to go back because I told the DJ I would be back and I am a person who sticks to my word.

Alex Rodriguez it's a jackal

My friend the DJ was out front smoking the tail-end of a joint as I rolled back on the scene. High-fives and fist-bumps were tossed around the verbal check. In that moment I became the woman who checks back, who doesn't just leave with a stranger, that if I do and I don't come back, something is not right.

I chilled out for a few songs and danced with this lovely lady. Our bodies moving close and closer yet never touching, creating and releasing desire. When I left a moment later, my backpack slung over my shoulder, I flashed a peace sign at the DJ and dipped quickly, quietly, and unobserved down the stairs and into the stars.

Walking home I was juiced up. Between the pot, the beautiful stranger, and dancing the line with a lady adrenaline was still pumping. The stars and half-moon helped calm my nerves but I realized a lot in those moments. How easy it is to be mistaken for something we are not. How difficult it was in the situation with the beautiful stranger to extricate myself from him safely, without making him feel ditched (on this note, yes I know that's what "I get" for hanging out with a stranger and smoking a joint, because we all know that is code for fucking right?). I went back years in my mind to different times when I was young and would have happily allowed the beautiful stranger into my home and then be honestly surprised when he was more physically assertive than I was comfortable with.

That situation is what I call an Okay-Maybe. Or a situation that I am not 100% comfortable with when I suddenly realize what I have done and that I am in trouble because I am physically compromised. In my head I say, if you let this inevitability be okay then it's not rape. Okay-Maybe is the compromise between a black-eye, broken teeth, ribs, bruises and just not fighting.

My ex always thought that an okay maybe was a one night stand.

A one night stand is different. It involves a mark, an intention on both parties, is consensual, and has an agreed upon scope of what's okay to do to one another. Consensual sex from both parties with safety measures (prophylactics) and fun for all is not at all an Okay-Maybe.