My Mouth is Full

Have you even had so much in your mouth you can't chew
and end up either choking to death
or spitting out the mouthful
or jabbing a narrow straw through the whole thing and subsisting on shallow breaths of air?

None of those are functional.

My apartment is tidy. I moved my table near the window to take advantage of the little available light. I went to the recycling center and dumped last term's paper into a giant bin.

I am taking more credits this term: Two upper division studio art classes, statistics, art history, a psyche class; I am functional.

That feeling of loss is still lingering about me. I hear voices, have dreams, keep working toward a sense of wholeness. More than anything right now I don't meet anyone's expectations of me. None. I cannot seem to manage it. Not for my mother, who always wants me to stay for one more cup of tea; not for men who hardly know me but think that they're special; not for my boss who wants me to work more, go to competitions, go out and party.

This growing selfishness is partly because I am unwilling to be vulnerable. More is that as a gender identifying woman lady a lot is put upon to be, and meet, the resource, the needs of those around me before meeting my own. I just stopped fucking around. It complicates my life. It makes things awkward and messy and I don't have time for feelings and long drawn out conversations. I have time to fuck. I have time to focus.

This makes me sound cold, callused, driven, unwilling to take the time necessary to foster a (single) relationship with one (man) person who will help solidify my place in the world. How could I possibly not want to pour energy into another person to help them develop or maintain their equilibrium?

I just can't, won't, will not

because deep down I am much more of a dude about most things. I don't want to and that's that.

If I were a beard sprouting hursuit lumberjack no one would think twice about me whoring and drinking whiskey while I managed an empire and killed the last dolphin.

Instead, I am a born lady who likes lipstick and despises lip service. I remember back years when I realized that I love my friends and like to fuck strangers. Living in a tiny town that's impossible, but, I can just be fucking ruthless and that's just as good.