Things Take Time

Sometimes I long for things I no longer hold
and my fingers become heart achy

I am having a California attack. I miss the smell of the barn. I miss the solitude and the sound of the horses breathing their slow rhythmic breaths. The quality of the work, the diligence, the boring languorous days that stretched from dawn until late afternoon. I miss the sound of hooves on the floor. I miss the bitch who made my life hell with her hormones and how she was also my best friend. I miss the road and the grapes and the creek full of salmon; the sight of the milky way in the sky above my head, I will never not know what the stars feel like on my naked eye.

It's the new year blues. The accomplishments of 2014 are robust especially when compared to the tension of 2013.

***On My Mind Especially***

How addiction to people is damaging
The role of addiction as a behavioral device within and without of relationships
Why/how enabling is a short term solution

He might not be fixable; it started with his mother; he says it was preemptive because he thought I would do... 

I have one thing that I know: I am responsible for my life. I am tart over some of the past, but I sure as shit learned some hard fast lessons.

1. I can wear whatever I want whenever I want, this includes mismatched florescent socks and silk stockings. I can do it at the same time if I want. I can also wear a corset under overalls.

2. My brain and my words are perfect. Sometimes, I wish that my hands could speak because they seem to have a purity of expression that my lips muddle.

3. I have the right to my time, my friends, my hobbies, my happiness, again, is my own.

4. I am honest.

5. I have the right to my home, my safety, my security. I have the right to never be hit, belittled, berated, or ignored for days on end.

6. I have the right to manage my own money.

7. I have the right to fuck whomever I please as often or as infrequently as I please.

8. I have the right to be silent.

9. I have the right to dance.

10. I have the right to live my life as I see fit as it is my life.

11. I do not have the right to impose any of these rights on other people. That's their business.

*****

It's really hard not to tell people what to do. Especially as a friend, especially as a friend who has danced with the devil and still wears the burns. But, I remember back to this summer one day in the sunshine and grass, when I realized that my best friend never, not once, ever told me what to do. They just listened, asked what I needed, and gave me the space to be human.

All of my kicks and screams are into the wind,
CSL <3ingly p="">